Business and Death
So sorry, self. Meant to do more, as always. Found self doing more of busy nothingness and not noticing the subtleties of life meant to be noticed for recording here in blogland. Communication with the living, indeed.
Found self thinking much more about death again. Spent much of last year obsessed with death. Got married in summer of 2002 and immediately became overwhelmed with the idea that one day all would be dead, all cared for would be dead and had no frame of reference to imagine what that would mean. Wanted and still want some sort of religion or spiritual practice that could take away the gut wrenching fear of death, but have not found much comfort in the religions or spirituality of this world. They are all about fear yet offer no remedy.
Decided some time last year that I would just simply be afraid and continue to live despite that.
Meaning, I would try to let my fear be conscious enough that I could choose not to let it keep me from the things I want. So much of what holds us all back is fear that we don't even understand we have. I don't know how I'm doing with all of this. Sometimes are better than others.
Last night I had a conversation with my father about death. He told me that he is afraid of death and therefore never thinks of it. I suppose that is how most of us cope with that fear, but for me everything is opposite. I am afraid of death and think constantly about it, knowing that one day I will face it in the loss of those most dear to me and ultimately the loss of my own conscious self as I know it. What else will be lost, I do not know. Will I be lost entirely? Will some shadow of my unconscious experience linger in the great unknown? Will I be saved by some deity from eternal nothingness? Is that actually desirable? These questions are always with me.
My youngest step-sister has recently been diagnosed with a rare form of bone cancer. She is 26 years old and has a 16 month old baby. The doctors are optimistic that they can remove the tumor, treat her with chemotherapy and that her life will go on. But she is so exhausted that she isn't sure if she wants to. Depression is death on earth.
My mother recently said, "we seem to go from crisis to crisis." I decided more recently that all of life is crisis, if you consider crisis to be the breaking point in one's chosen reality. The unexpected turn. Life never presents us with the exact reality we want. We make some decisions about some things and hopefully introduce elements into our lives that make it productive, enjoyable, worth struggling. But the reality we all face is in fact the struggle against decay and chaos, disease and war, conflict and death. The very act of birth is a painful struggle. How could life simply be a nap and a cup of hot chocolate?
So fear must be something more than just a state to avoid at all costs. Busy-ness is just a way to avoid fear and I have no doubts about that. Find yourself slowing down from mindless activity and movement. Come back into the moment and see how slyly it creeps into your consciousness - the fear and agony of loss and death. I think if we learn to tolerate it, we will learn to command so much more of our own destinies.
Found self thinking much more about death again. Spent much of last year obsessed with death. Got married in summer of 2002 and immediately became overwhelmed with the idea that one day all would be dead, all cared for would be dead and had no frame of reference to imagine what that would mean. Wanted and still want some sort of religion or spiritual practice that could take away the gut wrenching fear of death, but have not found much comfort in the religions or spirituality of this world. They are all about fear yet offer no remedy.
Decided some time last year that I would just simply be afraid and continue to live despite that.
Meaning, I would try to let my fear be conscious enough that I could choose not to let it keep me from the things I want. So much of what holds us all back is fear that we don't even understand we have. I don't know how I'm doing with all of this. Sometimes are better than others.
Last night I had a conversation with my father about death. He told me that he is afraid of death and therefore never thinks of it. I suppose that is how most of us cope with that fear, but for me everything is opposite. I am afraid of death and think constantly about it, knowing that one day I will face it in the loss of those most dear to me and ultimately the loss of my own conscious self as I know it. What else will be lost, I do not know. Will I be lost entirely? Will some shadow of my unconscious experience linger in the great unknown? Will I be saved by some deity from eternal nothingness? Is that actually desirable? These questions are always with me.
My youngest step-sister has recently been diagnosed with a rare form of bone cancer. She is 26 years old and has a 16 month old baby. The doctors are optimistic that they can remove the tumor, treat her with chemotherapy and that her life will go on. But she is so exhausted that she isn't sure if she wants to. Depression is death on earth.
My mother recently said, "we seem to go from crisis to crisis." I decided more recently that all of life is crisis, if you consider crisis to be the breaking point in one's chosen reality. The unexpected turn. Life never presents us with the exact reality we want. We make some decisions about some things and hopefully introduce elements into our lives that make it productive, enjoyable, worth struggling. But the reality we all face is in fact the struggle against decay and chaos, disease and war, conflict and death. The very act of birth is a painful struggle. How could life simply be a nap and a cup of hot chocolate?
So fear must be something more than just a state to avoid at all costs. Busy-ness is just a way to avoid fear and I have no doubts about that. Find yourself slowing down from mindless activity and movement. Come back into the moment and see how slyly it creeps into your consciousness - the fear and agony of loss and death. I think if we learn to tolerate it, we will learn to command so much more of our own destinies.
