Lost my brother - again
I posted the picture of my brother below, and since then I've misplaced it. I don't know how and I can't find it. It's making me crazy. Somehow in my grief-stricken state I misplaced it. I lost him again. For the third time, really. I lost him when he was 7 and went to live away from home. I lost him nearly thirty years later when he died. And now I've lost my favorite picture of him, just because I wanted to share it with everyone on the internet. It's got to be somewhere in the house but I just can't find it. Damn the symbolism. It's like a bad dream.
Ever since he died I've secretly hoped for some sort of sign from him. I've been a little disappointed that there's been nothing obvious. When my friend Elaine died in the beginning of 2003 I had numerous dreams about her that were extraordinary. I thought maybe too with Richie, but nothing really has happened. I'm sure I've had dreams but none that stand out or that I can seem to recall. Maybe my grief isn't unresolved or traumatic enough for intense dreams or other weird phenomena. Not enough intrapsychic power fueling those sorts of experiences I guess. not now anyway. I just can't tell. I am doing okay. I cry and I miss him. I think about him a lot. But I'm functioning okay - not completely normally, but certainly well enough under the circumstances.
If I ask loudly enough or in a particular way, I'll get my sign from him, I'm sure. But a part of me feels that's cheating. I've done that "ask for a sign" thing that all the tv mediums say to do. Once I demanded a sign from my deceased grandmother when I was really pissed off and shouting - and I got a very external, concrete one on the spot that scared the crap out of me. That's when I stopped making demands about things I really know nothing about. I don't want more data than I can handle.
So I miss my brother and I've lost his picture and I am secretly hoping he will find a way to get some sort of message to me that there's life after death, that he's there, that he's finally okay, that he forgives me my long absences and silences on his behalf. Those are the things I struggle with now. I wish so badly I could just talk to him. I could spend a lifetime telling him things. I do talk to him, but ah, to have some confirmation that he knows and hears me. Remember, my brother could not even give me that in life. How should I have such expectations of him in death? Well, we just never know, do we? So I figure why not wonder out loud.
Now that I am finally ready to talk about my brother, who wants to hear it? Funny how someone like me, who makes her living from strengthening communication between living human beings, would in her private, personal life spend more time trying to think of ways to contact the dead than picking up the phone to a friend or family member to talk about her life.
Ever since he died I've secretly hoped for some sort of sign from him. I've been a little disappointed that there's been nothing obvious. When my friend Elaine died in the beginning of 2003 I had numerous dreams about her that were extraordinary. I thought maybe too with Richie, but nothing really has happened. I'm sure I've had dreams but none that stand out or that I can seem to recall. Maybe my grief isn't unresolved or traumatic enough for intense dreams or other weird phenomena. Not enough intrapsychic power fueling those sorts of experiences I guess. not now anyway. I just can't tell. I am doing okay. I cry and I miss him. I think about him a lot. But I'm functioning okay - not completely normally, but certainly well enough under the circumstances.
If I ask loudly enough or in a particular way, I'll get my sign from him, I'm sure. But a part of me feels that's cheating. I've done that "ask for a sign" thing that all the tv mediums say to do. Once I demanded a sign from my deceased grandmother when I was really pissed off and shouting - and I got a very external, concrete one on the spot that scared the crap out of me. That's when I stopped making demands about things I really know nothing about. I don't want more data than I can handle.
So I miss my brother and I've lost his picture and I am secretly hoping he will find a way to get some sort of message to me that there's life after death, that he's there, that he's finally okay, that he forgives me my long absences and silences on his behalf. Those are the things I struggle with now. I wish so badly I could just talk to him. I could spend a lifetime telling him things. I do talk to him, but ah, to have some confirmation that he knows and hears me. Remember, my brother could not even give me that in life. How should I have such expectations of him in death? Well, we just never know, do we? So I figure why not wonder out loud.
Now that I am finally ready to talk about my brother, who wants to hear it? Funny how someone like me, who makes her living from strengthening communication between living human beings, would in her private, personal life spend more time trying to think of ways to contact the dead than picking up the phone to a friend or family member to talk about her life.
